There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
