Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
nutella sex= disaster
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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