Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
