tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
