just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
