On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
