Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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