The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
