she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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