it was like his penis was on wheels.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize