Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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