Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
