she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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