hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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