WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
