All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
