so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
