My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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