Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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