also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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