The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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