Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
