Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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