If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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