Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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