I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i permit you to call me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
