Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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