i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
