Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
