the condom got lost in my hair
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
