thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
