Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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