Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
