well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
