I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
