I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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