Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
