It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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