Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
