my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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