don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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