I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
