How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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