so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
