I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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