I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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