Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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