i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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