I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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