Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
