dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
