if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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