i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My life is pants optional.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
