i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
