dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
