talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
