dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
