I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
