Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
