Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
