theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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