i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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