Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
