we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
This girl is more easily done than said...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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