God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
