The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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