walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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